Won Me

My dad was wrong. I just discovered that I am good for nuthin’ after all. In fact I’ve been good for nuthin’ all along. I am 100% biodegradable and that means I can be recycled into nuthin’. It also means that no matter how much I waste, no matter how much I consume, no matter how much I pollute, in the end I am environment-friendly. Best of all, I now have an end use.

Now that’s something to put on my resume!

This comes as particularly good news to somebody who is not sure what his purpose is. Sometimes I write these humor columns, pretending to be funny. Sometimes people even laugh, and I worry that it might be the start of an ominous trend.

Sometimes I am selling my happiness book, pretending to be a successful author. With 2,000 copies of my book keeping the floor from floating upwards, perhaps I AM successful. Levitating floors are generally not considered signs of success in this part of the country.

Sometimes I am optimizing websites for search engine rankings. “What exactly does that mean?” I am often asked.

“Well…it means that I get my clients’ site high up in the searches.” Blank stare.

I try again. “It means that I help Google show you my clients’ web sites. Blank stare.

“Well…I’m not sure how to explain it. But I get paid to do it.” People understand that.

“I turn on a machine that defluctuates the turbo-rotating modulator down at the spare parts plant,” someone adds.

“What exactly does that mean?” I ask.

“Beats me. But I get paid to do it.” We are soulmates.

Sometimes I write for pay, because people seem to want something written. They hope that if they can’t say it themselves, I might be able to find just the right words.

“C’mon, David. You have lots of words. Why don’t you lend me some? Why, just last week you promised to ‘defenestrate’ me, whatever that means.” They want me to put their thoughts into words, and occasionally they want me to create their thoughts. I worked for a politician years ago. I vaguely remember how to write somebody else’s thoughts before he knew he had them.

“So what do you write?”

“Web site copy, mostly.”

“Really? Not another book?”

“No, I still have 2,000 copies of the last book piled up in my office.”

“I’m sure they’ll sell quickly, David.”

“Really? Want one?”

“Uh…gotta go. It’s time for my pet goldfish’s nap.”

I also write this humor column faithfully every week. But people actually PAY me to write website copy. Now, dear reader, answer me this question. Would you rather be reading this hilarious column, loaded with frosting and topped with chocolate syrup, or would you rather read plain vanilla website copy.

OK, go ahead and read the website copy, then. See if I care.

One thing my website copy and this column have in common is that they are not biodegradable. Remember how computers would save the environment as they replace the three gazillion tones of paper we trash every few hours in offices around the world and elsewhere?

Now we discover that all that paper at least was biodegradable, recyclable, reusable. It wasn’t all that bad for the environment, after all. But the monitor you are reading this on will last forever. (SFX: evil laughter) Adventure seekers from the planet Zorgoppppt will land here in the year 2304 and discover all these abandoned monitors scattered around.

One Zorgopppptian will say to the other, “prrg, ddyte h hthp oooo djudu” (Translation: “Groovy paper weights!”)

But they won’t find me, thanks to my lifetime achievement. I’ll be long gone, because I am (chest swells with pride) biodegradable.

David Leonhardt is biodegradable and happy at:

http://www.thehappyguy.com

To write your website copy, newsletter or award winning biodegradable cereal box copy, email him at: info@thehappyguy.com

He is author of Inspiration & Motivation To Go:

http://www.thehappyguy.com/l/daily-motivation-inspiration.php

The Get Happy Workbook:

http://www.thehappyguy.com/happiness-work-book.html

and Climb Your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness:

http://www.thehappyguy.com/happiness-self-help-book.html

Info@thehappyguy.com

When you were part of a couple, there were other couples you probably hung around with. There were dinner parties or the picnics on the beach and the occasional summer BBQ where wine and conversation flowed like a river. You all got together and had a great time.

After a divorce, relationships with some of your friends might change. Correction - after a divorce, relationships with some of your friends will change.

You will quickly discover that certain friends or couples you hung around with prior to your divorce or separation have suddenly disappeared. Regular phone calls and invitations to parties suddenly stop coming.

For some people this can be very unsettling and disturbing.

If you are going through a divorce or separation, you should remember these people often do not have any malice in their hearts. In many cases, couples tend to hang around with other couples. When inviting friends to a party or summer BBQ, couples tend to invite other people with similar situations and backgrounds as themselves.

You should also remember that some of your friends might feel awkward speaking with you after a divorce. They may not know what to say to you. Rather then dealing with the embarrassing thoughts of what to say and do, often times the path of least resistance is easiest way.

Not inviting you to one of the parties is often the easiest way to side step an embarrassing situation. Accept it as that and nothing more.

You can approach this change in your life in two ways. You can either become bitter and angry that some of your friends no longer call or you can accept this as a normal part of life after a divorce.

Life after a divorce does exist. Use this opportunity in your life to take up a new hobby like golf or yoga. Make new single friends and start to do new activities that you would not normally do while you were married. Very soon you will see that new friends and new invitations will start to come up.

Don’t be angry at your “old” friends because they don’t call you after your divorce. Just realize it is probably easier for them not to call - nothing more - nothing less.

Gary Kelly is co-creator of the online dating website for golfers, http://www.DateAGolfer.com and http://www.PuttingForPar.com, a golf website specializing in personalized ball markers.