Won Me

I recently attended a workshop with author and speaker Bob Burg (Endless Referrals) who talked about some of the most common mistakes people make in networking. Things like shoving business cards at someone and telling them you’re the best realtor, life insurance salesperson or you have the best “whatchamacallit” in the biz are sure fire ways to turn off a prospect. His sage advice and system for networking revolves around a very simple but powerful principle: get over yourself and focus on the client or prospect. But do it in a way that is non-intrusive and sincerely interested in the other person.

His message made me acutely aware of a pattern I see repeatedly in both business and social situations. The perpetrators likely don’t even realize their behavior is potentially damaging to their credibility, and even more to their likeability.

Here’s the pattern that pops up time and again: Someone approaches me (or anyone else for that matter) and immediately begins telling their story, talking about their activities, their latest personal breakthrough or whatever. Meanwhile the person who has inadvertently become the listener is subjected to a monologue they may have little or no interest in. Talk about a turn-off!

One of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor your own emotional states and behaviors, notice others’ state and behavior, and adjust accordingly to produce a win-win relationship or result. Here are some tips for improving your social savvy:

1) Remind yourself that others really don’t care about you and your story. Remember, everyone has their personal antennae tuned to radio station WII-FM…What’s In It For Me?

2) Get into the habit of taking a sincere interest in others before expecting them to be interested in you. Use simple bridge statements to connect with the person you’re speaking to. Examples include simple but sincere compliments such as “You look great today!” or, a sincerely interested, “How has your week been?” These kinds of comments and questions signal to others that you’re interested in them.

3) Use Bob Burg’s feel-good questions when networking: “Tell me how you got into XYZ business.” “What is the most challenging aspect of your business?” And finally, “How can I know if someone I meet is a good candidate for your product or service?” For Bob’s complete list, refer to his book Endless Referrals, or visit his website at www.bobburg.com.

4) Pay attention to non-verbal cues others are sending. If you notice someone looking at their watch when you’re talking, it’s a clue. Are they looking away? Another clue. Are they turning their body away slightly, as if in an effort to close you out? Take the hint! If you can see that someone is involved in a focused conversation with another, politely excuse yourself or simply mention that you’d like to connect when the person you want to speak to is free. But don’t just stand there as if eavesdropping or waiting your turn to talk.

5) Become a student of the fine art of conversation. My friend, fellow coach and speaker Loren Ekroth is an expert in conversational savvy and writes about it weekly in his ezine “Conversation Matters.” I always learn something from reading his weekly messages. To subscribe, go to www.conversation-matters.com.

I challenge you to monitor your behavior in social situations. If you’ll practice putting others needs ahead of your own, you’ll find people naturally gravitating toward you. If you find it difficult to make connections, take an honest look at your behavior. Are you hogging conversations? Boring others with your personal stories? Failing to take a sincere interest in others? Or intruding on others’ conversations either verbally or non-verbally?

Remember the old adage, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Starting today, put this rule into practice and watch what happens.

Betty Mahalik has been coaching small business owners, independent professionals and leaders who want to achieve more but stress less, since 1996. Her background includes several years in the broadcasting and public relations fields prior to starting her own firm in 1987. She is an accomplished public speaker and corporate trainer specializing in communications, goal-setting and leveraging your strengths. Since 2001, she has written a weekly motivational message, free to subscribers, titled Monday Morning Coach.

It’s something most of us do often. We shake hands. We shake hands with long-time friends, with old acquaintances and with brand-new people. Shaking hands here and shaking hands there.

I took a class in college where they taught us how to shake hands. I remember thinking at the time - more than 20 years ago - that everyone should know how shakes hands effectively. Then, as I reflected, I realized that I had shaken more than a few hands that needed those lessons. I thought then, and agree now that my Dad taught me the basics and importance of good handshakes.

In much of the world, the handshake is a part of the first impression that we make. People think about first impressions from a grooming and dress standpoint, in business situations they practice what they might say, and they often read books to learn what kinds of questions to ask to remain authentic and create a positive first impression.

And while all of that is important, it is the handshake, often overlooked and forgotten, that is the first physical information others receive about us at the early part of a relationship.

In other words, handshakes matter.

And a strong one can make a big difference.

An American colleague who has now been living and teaching in Japan for some time must agree, because she emailed me and part of the email reads:

Next week is the beginning of the school year - and I really want to get my new students off to the best possible start. Would you be willing to share your thoughts on how to give a really great handshake? I have been away from the U.S. for so long, and have few opportunities to practice (though my bowing has gotten really good :))

Here are the secrets to great handshakes, assembled to respond to her earnest request.

1. Start with eye contact and a smile. A great handshake isn’t just about a physical gesture, it is about connecting with the other person. It is a physical greeting and you want to convey your pleasure in greeting the other person. The best way to do that is with your face and your eyes.

2. Go for the thumb. Keep your hand open and make sure your handshake will be a hand shake, not a finger or palm shake. This means getting the joint of your thumb (the lower joint - the tissue between your thumb to your forefinger) nestled into the joint of their thumb. This allows you to truly have a full handshake.

3. Firm, not strong. A good handshake is firm but not overpowering. It isn’t the precursor to a wrestling match, and it doesn’t feel like a dead fish. Do you wanted to be handed or greeted with a dead fish? I doubt it! Always make your grip firm, but make adjustments based on the firmness of the other person’s grip.

4. Up and down, not back and forth. A good handshake has a nice up and down motion, not a back and forth one, as if you were jointly trying to saw some wood. Again, adjust the motion to what seems natural and comfortable to the other person.

5. Adjust duration. Some people prefer a long handshake, others prefer them much shorter. Observe the other person and adjust the duration to the situation, how well you know the person, and what seems comfortable to them.

6. Consider your left hand. While it may not be appropriate in some cultures, I often use my other hand to grasp the other side of the person’s hand or to touch their arm. This gesture makes the handshake warmer and more personal. When I am trying to convey those feelings I include my left hand as well. You might consider doing that too.

7. Close with eye contact and a smile. If the smile and eye contact hasn’t continued throughout the handshake, finish it out that way.

After re-reading and thinking about these secrets several times, I realized that the deeper key to handshakes (as with many things in life) is intention. Keep your focus on the other person, and you will naturally do many of the things on the list. You will make the handshake a natural part of your connection process. You will make eye contact. You will smile. You will connect. You naturally adjust your grip, etc. You will focus on the other person.

As a leader or a person responsible for interacting with Customers in any way, the value of this skill is obvious. The fact is though that having a great handshake is a life skill we should all cultivate. It matters to us in creating first impressions and in building relationships.

Thanks to my Dad for teaching me and thanks to Teresa for asking me the question.

Kevin is the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group (http://KevinEikenberry.com), a learning consulting company that helps Clients reach their potential through a variety of training, consulting and speaking services. To receive your free special report on Unleashing Your Potential go to http://www.kevineikenberry.com/uypw/index.asp or call us at (317) 387-1424 or 888.LEARNER.